Who I am, really

Do most people even know who I am, really? Do I show the real me? Most of the time, I like to think that I do, but then comes one of those "help me understand" conversations (or messages) that reminds me when I do actually act like myself, it never turns out good. I've always offended somebody, typically somebody who thinks they know me well, yet have never actually taken the time to get to know the real me. Somebody who normally would not have any sort of deep conversation with me, ask how I'm doing and care enough to hear the real answer, or encourage me when I've done something well, or even if I didn't do it well, but I put a lot of effort into it. Somebody who consistently favors others, builds them up, brags on them even when completely undeserved. But not me. Talking to me is reserved for when I'm in trouble. It hurts. It tears up my heart. It makes me not want to risk having anyone ever get to know me. And it happens over and over again. 

It is then I have to decide- react or respond? I've been thinking about this a lot lately; a family member has actually be instrumental in bringing this to my attention because of circumstances happening in his own life. He has chosen, as often as possible, and with God's help, to never react, but to respond. Two totally different things. Some say "we cannot control others actions; we can only control our reactions." Some truth, I think, but then again, sometimes we really don't do a great job at controlling our own reactions. So what if I stop reacting to people or circumstances, and choose instead to respond? What will my relationships look like then? Will it be easier to get along with others? And what will my response be like? I think, and hope, that if I take time to respond rather than quickly react, that my response will tend to be more like Jesus. Because in this endeavor, the point is to wait on Him to give me the response. When I react, I don't give Him time to speak to me. 

Does this stop people from deciding they don't like the real me? Probably not. But I can't control that. I can't even control me. But it's ok, because I'd rather be Spirit-controlled than Betsy-controlled. He loves the real me, even as He's constantly changing who I am. His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me....

For my Husband

It’s been a long time…

Since I first saw you.

Since I first gazed into your eyes.

Since I first longed to be near you.

Since I first fell in love with you.

Since I first wanted the touch of your lips.

Since I first dreamed of being with you.

Since I first called you my own.

But nothing’s changed…

I want to see you all the time.

I want to drown myself in your eyes.

I long to be near you every second of every day.

I fall in love with you more every day.

I want the touch of your lips even more.

I dream of being with you even when I already am.

I am yours, and you are mine.

Now. Always. Until my very last breath.

It’s been a long time…and we still have a whole lifetime ahead of us.

Spent

Somewhere inside me, there's a girl screaming to get out. To reach out. To have somebody care long enough to let me talk, cry, curl up and forget about the rest of the world for a while. But instead, I push forward as always, putting on a facade just enough to cover the pain and exhaustion that's really there. The dark circles aren't going to hide it for long, however. I was so longing for a night of respite and being able to get these burdens out of my mind and off my heart last night. But there were other things to talk about. Trivial. Not important. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of non sequential-ness. My thoughts ranged from "who cares" to "shut up already". My only saving grace is I still have the capacity to keep these thoughts inside my head instead of letting my tongue loose and destroying all the relationships in my path. Things will get better, right? When you've come so close to hitting the bottom of the emotional range, there's only one way to go- up. At least I hope so.  

Weakness

I have a weakness. It's called my mind. I could label it as many things: chocolate, wine, cookies, cheese, and on and on, but really, it all starts in my mind. If I can justify something, I'll do it. Or eat it. And so, I've adopted some verses and statements to help me overcome this weakness- the first and most repeated is 2 Cor 12:9-10 "EACH TIME he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Galatians 5:24 "Those who belong to Jesus Christ have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there." Philippians 2:13 "For God is working in you, giving you the DESIRE and the POWER to do what pleases him." A couple of quotes from "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst "Compromise built upon compromise equals failure. Promise built upon promise equals empowerment." "You were made for more."

I have these in front of me at work all day long. And I can choose to ignore them. I can choose not to look at my wall. I can choose to pretend it doesn't exist. Or, I can choose to read them. I can choose to let the words wash over me. I can choose to let go of the guilt and shame I feel when I don't do something I should, or do something I shouldn't. I can choose to obey right away, instead of delaying it, which really is full disobedience. I keep thinking of a lyric to a song I was recently introduced to "A fish can obey you, but I can't" And I really really can't. That's why it has to be something God gives me the power to do. He will- I just have to ask.

Icky

That's how I feel today. Icky. Defeated. Down. I feel like I finally got what God was trying to tell me; finally was broken of my rebellious attitude. Was actually excited about going God's way. And this morning that stupid number punched me right in the face. Not supposed to be about that, but it still sucks big time. I hate that it brings tears to my eyes. There are so many more important things to worry about, but this one keeps getting in the way. And here I sit, wasting time and tears on this stupidity once again. Add to that the fact that I'm functioning on less than 4 hours sleep, and you've got one weepy, emotional, hormonal chick.

Stops along the way

I trust God with something...then I take it back to worry about again.
I surrender an area to Him...then I argue with Him to make sure He controls it my way.
I give my friends good advice...and forget to follow it myself.
I have a "good" day...followed by 4 "bad" days.
I cry my eyes out...and dry them up again.
But also- 
I miss talking to someone...and then have a good conversation with them that fills me up till the next time.
I fall flat on my face...but always get picked up off the ground.
I fail, and fail, and fail...only to be told I can try again.
I get frustrated...and people understand.
I love...and am loved in return.
And best of all-
I am loved.
I am valued.
I am cherished.
I am never alone.
I am understood.
I am prayed for.
Really, I have nothing to complain about, and everything to be thankful for. 

Surrender

So last week, after I told God I would be obedient without expecting any benefits for me, I wrestled the rest of the week with how to live that out. I kept asking what I was supposed to do, as if I could make a list and check it off! At BRCC Sunday morning, Jeremy’s message was just what I needed to hear, but after he was done and we were singing Revelation Song, God spoke to me again. Not the big booming voice, but the still, small one. I was really just all out praising and worshiping Him throughout the song, and He said “That’s what I want from you. Worship me with your whole body.” And I just became dumbstruck, like “duh!” and I said “Oh, ok I get it now.” Simple, right? I was still trying to make it about me and what I could do, and all He really wants from me is to surrender it all. Daily. And obviously, daily surrender is not something I can check off my to-do list. I could get all caught up in "what does daily surrender look like" but I know I don't need to agonize over that one. Trust in the Lord with all my heart, and He will direct my paths.