For my Husband

It’s been a long time…

Since I first saw you.

Since I first gazed into your eyes.

Since I first longed to be near you.

Since I first fell in love with you.

Since I first wanted the touch of your lips.

Since I first dreamed of being with you.

Since I first called you my own.

But nothing’s changed…

I want to see you all the time.

I want to drown myself in your eyes.

I long to be near you every second of every day.

I fall in love with you more every day.

I want the touch of your lips even more.

I dream of being with you even when I already am.

I am yours, and you are mine.

Now. Always. Until my very last breath.

It’s been a long time…and we still have a whole lifetime ahead of us.

Spent

Somewhere inside me, there's a girl screaming to get out. To reach out. To have somebody care long enough to let me talk, cry, curl up and forget about the rest of the world for a while. But instead, I push forward as always, putting on a facade just enough to cover the pain and exhaustion that's really there. The dark circles aren't going to hide it for long, however. I was so longing for a night of respite and being able to get these burdens out of my mind and off my heart last night. But there were other things to talk about. Trivial. Not important. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of non sequential-ness. My thoughts ranged from "who cares" to "shut up already". My only saving grace is I still have the capacity to keep these thoughts inside my head instead of letting my tongue loose and destroying all the relationships in my path. Things will get better, right? When you've come so close to hitting the bottom of the emotional range, there's only one way to go- up. At least I hope so.  

Weakness

I have a weakness. It's called my mind. I could label it as many things: chocolate, wine, cookies, cheese, and on and on, but really, it all starts in my mind. If I can justify something, I'll do it. Or eat it. And so, I've adopted some verses and statements to help me overcome this weakness- the first and most repeated is 2 Cor 12:9-10 "EACH TIME he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Galatians 5:24 "Those who belong to Jesus Christ have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there." Philippians 2:13 "For God is working in you, giving you the DESIRE and the POWER to do what pleases him." A couple of quotes from "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst "Compromise built upon compromise equals failure. Promise built upon promise equals empowerment." "You were made for more."

I have these in front of me at work all day long. And I can choose to ignore them. I can choose not to look at my wall. I can choose to pretend it doesn't exist. Or, I can choose to read them. I can choose to let the words wash over me. I can choose to let go of the guilt and shame I feel when I don't do something I should, or do something I shouldn't. I can choose to obey right away, instead of delaying it, which really is full disobedience. I keep thinking of a lyric to a song I was recently introduced to "A fish can obey you, but I can't" And I really really can't. That's why it has to be something God gives me the power to do. He will- I just have to ask.

Icky

That's how I feel today. Icky. Defeated. Down. I feel like I finally got what God was trying to tell me; finally was broken of my rebellious attitude. Was actually excited about going God's way. And this morning that stupid number punched me right in the face. Not supposed to be about that, but it still sucks big time. I hate that it brings tears to my eyes. There are so many more important things to worry about, but this one keeps getting in the way. And here I sit, wasting time and tears on this stupidity once again. Add to that the fact that I'm functioning on less than 4 hours sleep, and you've got one weepy, emotional, hormonal chick.

Stops along the way

I trust God with something...then I take it back to worry about again.
I surrender an area to Him...then I argue with Him to make sure He controls it my way.
I give my friends good advice...and forget to follow it myself.
I have a "good" day...followed by 4 "bad" days.
I cry my eyes out...and dry them up again.
But also- 
I miss talking to someone...and then have a good conversation with them that fills me up till the next time.
I fall flat on my face...but always get picked up off the ground.
I fail, and fail, and fail...only to be told I can try again.
I get frustrated...and people understand.
I love...and am loved in return.
And best of all-
I am loved.
I am valued.
I am cherished.
I am never alone.
I am understood.
I am prayed for.
Really, I have nothing to complain about, and everything to be thankful for. 

Surrender

So last week, after I told God I would be obedient without expecting any benefits for me, I wrestled the rest of the week with how to live that out. I kept asking what I was supposed to do, as if I could make a list and check it off! At BRCC Sunday morning, Jeremy’s message was just what I needed to hear, but after he was done and we were singing Revelation Song, God spoke to me again. Not the big booming voice, but the still, small one. I was really just all out praising and worshiping Him throughout the song, and He said “That’s what I want from you. Worship me with your whole body.” And I just became dumbstruck, like “duh!” and I said “Oh, ok I get it now.” Simple, right? I was still trying to make it about me and what I could do, and all He really wants from me is to surrender it all. Daily. And obviously, daily surrender is not something I can check off my to-do list. I could get all caught up in "what does daily surrender look like" but I know I don't need to agonize over that one. Trust in the Lord with all my heart, and He will direct my paths.

Addicted

There's lot of stuff in life that people become addicted to. I bet the first ones that come to your mind are drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. But dig a little deeper. What about TV, books, coffee, food, relationships, other people? We've all heard it before in church- that anything that we put before God is an idol, right? But do we really believe it? I think I live my life still somewhat in sections. That I still have stuff in boxes, including God. More and more lately, I've given Him control of things. So I thought I was doing good...ha. God brought it to my attention, as He has so lovingly done more than once before, that my health is in a box unreachable to Him, because I've made it that way. I've decided that this is something I need to control, because I'm just sooo much better at it than the Creator of the universe! Yes, I know, pathetic, silly girl.

So, I'm not sure yesterday why it occurred to me to bring it up as a prayer request at my Bible study table, but I did. Which led to some interesting conversations with a couple of girls; one who knows me better than just about anybody else, and one who is getting to know me, and shares the same struggle. The latter considers herself a "food addict." I've always refused to label myself with those kinds of things. Why? I don't know! I guess I didn't want to be known as one of "those people." A person who doesn't admit those kinds of faults because of what people will think of me. Well....who cares?? I heard a very clear voice yesterday (in the bathroom- not kidding) that said "Are you willing to be obedient to Me, even if it were to mean there would be no benefits to you?" Benefits, in my book being losing weight and feeling better; basically being healthy. Gulp. Am I?

Well, according to my pastor, a non-decision is a decision. So, my lack of an answer means no. But I don't want to say no to God, so my decision is made. And the answer is a shaky, scared YES. Oh, boy.

Breathe

My verse of the day recently became Ephesians 4:26 "And don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry." I find I'm struggling more with anger lately than I've even thought about in years. Many years. Do you have someone in your life who can just push every single one of your buttons? I do, and it's someone in a position of authority over me. Yep, meaning I have to submit to this person every day. Even on my days off, because they never cease texting me over the weekend wanting to know something or wanting me to do something the minute I come into the building on Sunday. Sometimes I think I'd like to pull a "Thomas Jefferson" and cut out the parts of the Bible that stomp on my toes! I'd like to live totally out of my flesh, and tell them what I really think. But, instead, God brings His Word to my mind, and I have to go somewhere private, talk to Him...and breathe.

Letting go

Well, here it is. My thoughts in living color. This could be scary. I can't remember the last time I attempted anything like this, even a handwritten journal. But, seeing as how this entire thing is about letting go, I guess it's time to let go of that insecurity along with everything else that I've thrown out of my life recently. The fear of never being good enough, that people don't like me, that I'll never live up to expectations, that I need to be skinnier, prettier, richer, better...it's going out the window. If I don't close it all the way, these fears will try to sneak back in. It's to easy to declare you've put all your hope and trust in God- so much more difficult to live it every day. I'm done with cliches and hypocritical actions- I want to live it; even if I don't say it. I'd rather keep my mouth shut and do it than declare I'm doing it but know I'm not. I want to stop acting like people can't see right through me when I know my walls are transparent. I want, I desire, blah blah blah. All empty words until I live it. Live in trust. Live in faith. Live to let go. Ok, first step taken. Here goes...everything.